The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status.

The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status.
The bar chart illustrates the amount of free
time
per
week
both for men and
women
in five
categories
of employment status from 1998 to 1999.
Overall
,
It is clear that
men enjoyed more
hours
of
leisure
time
per
week
than
women
in three out of five
categories
.
However
, only figures for
women
are shown in two
categories
, namely employed part-
time
and housewives. Among the full-
time
employed people,
obviously
Add a comma
,obviously
show examples
men had slightly more
leisure
time
than
women
, with approximately 45
hours
of free
time
per
week
, compared to around 38
hours
for
women
. Obviously, unemployed and retired people had the longest period of
leisure
activity
Add an article
the activity
show examples
of both genders.
Moreover
, the figures for retired males and females were exactly the same as those for the unemployed, at around 85 and 78
hours
of free
time
per
week
, respectively. Housewives enjoyed 50
hours
of spare
time
, a little more than part-
time
and full-
time
working
women
who had just over 40 and 38
leisure
hours
each
week
, respectively but less
than
Replace the word
then
show examples
the unemployed and retired
women
. No data gave for employed and housewives of these
categories
. 183 words.
Submitted by ssirirat on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
Basic structure: Change the seventh paragraph.
Vocabulary: Replace the words time, week, women, categories, hours, leisure with synonyms.
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "amount" in your introduction.
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the eighth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the eleventh paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifteenth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixteenth paragraph.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: